the phagos blog

In the not too distant past, I’ve talked about why my life changed.  The first couple weeks after were really intense, discovering all the differences.  Now that some time has passed, things are settling down some.  I’m settling down some.  And I’m noticing some things that I didn’t notice before, may not have noticed before.  When I get on the mat at the dojo, everything else in the world goes away, or stops.  Nothing occupies my thoughts during that time except for what is right in front of me on the mat.  When class is over and I leave the dojo, I feel completely different - refreshed, centered - as if I’ve reoriented my world differently and I’m no longer worrying about this or thinking about that - I’m still centered in the moment.

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Change is in the air.  Okay, it’s always in the air - it’s inevitable. I’m still discovering changes from the events of a month and a half ago.  The one I want to talk about tonight is the sudden urge to complete things.  For those of you who know me well, this will come as some surprise, since I’m not exactly noted for finishing what I start.  That’s changing for the better now.

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A lot of my friends lately seem to be going through hard times - deaths in the family, unhappy marriages, crappy jobs, medical issues - it seems to be swirling around me.  I too, have seen my fair share of dilemmas of late, though perhaps less severe than my friends are experiencing.  In the past, my response to my friends’ hardships has been one of empathizing - focusing on the issue to try to bring some relief.  What I am finally realizing though, is that by focusing on those things, I am only fixing them in place for my friends and indirectly bringing them into my own life as well.

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Over the last six to twelve months, my thinking and way of looking at things has been changing.  Most of my life has been spent doing things a certain way, one that I’ve found doesn’t work for me any more.  Well, not as well as I’d like.  You see, when I’d first learn about something, or start doing something, I’d jump in head first, immerse myself, and learn or do everything I could.  Then when I hit a certain point, I’d abandon the methodical approach and rely more on my intuitive sense.  The end result was I’d wind up jumping around here and there, never finishing anything, just making a big unfinished mess before I’d abandon it altogether.  My work was a bit like that too, and it was sloppier than it should have been.  But that’s been changing.

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Since the experience I wrote about in my last post, I’ve done a number of things that I wouldn’t have done before that.  The last couple days, that’s been on my mind a lot.  I tend to think deeply when I’m tired, and that’s not really a good thing for me, since my thoughts go places that aren’t good for me when I’m tired.  At jujitsu class tonight, I got some much needed perspective.

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Usually I try to think of some clever one or two word title that sort of sums up what the post is about.  I decided to change that this time.  Some of my friends are going to read this, people I see everyday at work, and maybe my daughter.  Instead of couching things behind vague terms, I want this explanation understood as clearly as possible.  Ten days ago, April 22nd, 2009,  I experienced an event that has forever altered me and the way I see the world.

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After 5 days of vacation in which the weather was crappy for 4 of them, I went back to work today.  This afternoon when I got home, I went outside and pulled most of the remnants of last year’s weeds from the garden area.

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Have you ever been going along, minding your own business, when something suddenly hits you and changes the way you look at your entire life?  I’m not talking about an accident or sudden misfortune, but a shift in perspective that causes what seems like total chaos to re-order itself into something completely different.  I had such an experience this morning, and my life will never be the same.

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It’s been hard for me to go to work lately. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a job, one that pays pretty well in addition to some other benefits. But the last couple weeks or so, it just doesn’t feel like enough.

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Seems surreal to think it’s been almost three weeks since my last blog entry.  In that time, I’ve dealt with the dentist, class, the hot (food) party, and just life in general.  My last grandparent passed away recently, my older granddaughter just turned three a couple weeks ago, a friend of mine had his 37th or so birthday today, and my 44th is coming up in a couple weeks.  Last night I was watching a movie on tv, and when it was over, I had the very distinct feeling that I was waiting for something.

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