valentine’s day reflections
Another year, another Valentine’s Day. I say that because to me, it was just like any other day of the year. Since I’ve been in between relationships for a while now, it didn’t really seem like there was anything to celebrate yesterday, other than just being alive, which I try to do every day. It was a pretty good day for the most part – I didn’t go anywhere, and I was able to lounge around and read or watch tv for a good portion of the day. I only wish I could say it was all good.
One of the things I watched when I wasn’t watching Burn Notice on dvd was Phenomenon, an older John Travolta movie. I was fine until it got to the end and his character dies from cancer, a fact I had conveniently blocked from my memory. Even this movie proved too much for me to handle. For those of you who don’t know, next month marks the 9th anniversary of losing a spouse to cancer. I have let her go and done my best to move on with my life, but I still run into hidden pockets of sadness from time to time, like yesterday. I was able to shake it off after a bit, thankfully, and it didn’t ruin my day, though it was touch and go for a while.
There are times when I wonder if I will ever be completely over what happened, able to look back at what was without sometimes reacting like I did yesterday, I can sit here now and think about her and remember the good times and happiness I felt without being sad or nostalgic. And every once in a while I have a day like yesterday, where I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Mostly things are good, and when they’re not, they improve faster these days than they used to,
When all is said and done, I had a pretty good day yesterday. Not the best day of my life, but not the worst either, not by a long shot. The universe has a lot of good things in store for me, I know it does. Some of them are starting to show up in the peripheral areas – I just need to make some more space in my head for them to come in.