put to the test
Author’s note - this was written last Wednesday.
Well, here I am, two days before Christmas and my last day of work before 4 days off. Tonight is the last night of class at the dojo before the Christmas holiday. I am determined to do the things I need to do in order to get where I want to go, and going to class at the dojo is one of those things. Perhaps it is missing the last 4 classes and tonight’s final class of the year, but I find myself wanting to stay home instead of going. But that’s not going to happen.
It was not long ago in the post “beyond desire” that I talked about the irrelevance of desire and wanting in actually achieving anything other than causing you to think of something more, which causes it to manifest sooner. I want to stay home and relax. I also want to go to the dojo, but apparently not as bad as I want to stay home. Either way it’s irrelevant, I’m going to the dojo. Yes, it is only one class, but every class matters. Every class. Including tonight.
Ultimately, missing tonight’s class wouldn’t make much difference. But that too, is unimportant. Enlightenment is like romance – you never know when it’s going to come along, and you’ll miss it when it comes if you don’t put yourself in a place where it can come to you. So to that end, I need to put myself in a place to learn as often as possible – that includes tonight as well. I need to be in class unless I’m sick or too injured to get there. So that’s what I’m going to do.
This Yule was a different one for me. Though it was a celebration, it was also a new start for me – a chance to stop getting caught up in my thoughts and feelings and just do what I need to do, plain and simple. So here I am two days later, my resolve already being put to the test. But instead of getting emotional or worrying, I’m not going to let my thoughts go there – I’m letting go of that and telling myself that I’m going. I’m not giving myself another option, and really, I don’t need one. I need to go. It’s one more step on what is a long journey. So I don’t need to take this step, but the I won’t make any progress if I don’t take any steps.
It’s kind of an interesting feeling, one I haven’t had for a while. Doing something just to do it - not necessarily because I want to, or have to or I’m determined to, but because I’m just going to do it and that’s the end of it. It’s going to be n interesting trip.