remembering myself
Since the experience I wrote about in my last post, I’ve done a number of things that I wouldn’t have done before that. The last couple days, that’s been on my mind a lot. I tend to think deeply when I’m tired, and that’s not really a good thing for me, since my thoughts go places that aren’t good for me when I’m tired. At jujitsu class tonight, I got some much needed perspective.
We spent the last few minutes of class talking about how our training is going in prepping for the black belt exam in November, and how our technique at brown belt looks better than some 2nd degree black belts in other parts of the country. Prof was tlaking again about if you have trouble with the upper arts, you have to find the problem in the lower arts, correct it there, then return to the upper arts.
I feel like that’s where I’m at in my life right now. I’m reaching some sort of higher level I’ve never been at, and now I’m seeing where the problems are in the lower levels that need to be corrected. Like the martial arts, living has it’s own set of techniques as well - some are basic, and some are higher. The interesting thing to me is that the higher arts are really just different combinations of the lower arts, both on and off the mat.
Tonight I had to push myself to stay on the mat. I took a fall wrong early on in class and banged my knee pretty good - it hurt for a bit. I thought for a little while I was going to have to stop for the night, or a little while at least, but I adjusted my technique and went on. I’m glad I did too. Afterwards, I did a massage on one of our newer students for the first time, and when I got done, I felt better than I have the entire day. For the first time today, I wasn’t tired and felt like myself.
It came to me on the way home, looking at the last bit of light in the sky at 9:15, that I’d come back to myself and remembered who I was. I was able to integrate what has happened to me with me, to step back with perspective and say hey, this isn’t me, I don’t need to be doing this any more. It’s allowed me to see what I’ve been doing that is good for me, so I can keep doing it, explore ti further and make it work even better.
I can say with confidence now that I really am on the path to becoming the man I’m capable of being.