why my life changed
Usually I try to think of some clever one or two word title that sort of sums up what the post is about. I decided to change that this time. Some of my friends are going to read this, people I see everyday at work, and maybe my daughter. Instead of couching things behind vague terms, I want this explanation understood as clearly as possible. Ten days ago, April 22nd, 2009, I experienced an event that has forever altered me and the way I see the world.
The martial art I practice has healing techniques in it. In order to take the black belt test, I must know several of these techniques. They handle a number of issues, but we started with the ones designed to return someone to consciousness after they’ve lost it, for whatever reason. On occasion, the effectiveness of this is demonstrated by choking someone out and then bringing them. April 22nd, I volunteered for that. There were people present with medical backgrounds, and it was closely supervised - I was never in any danger. Understand this was a carefully controlled event, not something we did haphazardly.
What I experienced during the time I was out is intensely personal, and I will not be discussing it here. It’s what I’ve been like since coming back that I want to discuss. When I first came back, the first thing I noticed was an increased sensitivity to the energy around me, particularly the quality of the energy of the people I was around. I felt like there was electricity running through the veins in my arms, and my sense of touch was heightened, and still is, especially my hands. I’m much more aware of things going on around me, more aware of life, just more aware in general.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m so much happier now. I’m able to let go of things when I need to, and I don’t have to know how everything is going to work out right this second. I have the sensation that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay, because there’s nothing to fear any more. I’m open to things I wouldn’t have been. I look at the circumstances of my life in a completely different way, my entire perspective has shifted. I find myself wanting to rearrange my house, change the paint and morph it into something else. And clean out everything, reduce the amount of junk I have.
I see what I’ve learned over this lifetime as a body of knowledge, one that I came to believe in because it was my experience. Now I see that I can draw from this knowledge, but I don’t have to put my beliefs in it. I see that I am free to make my life what I want, and have shed the emotional armor that kept me from doing so.
I am not the me that everyone knows, and yet I am. I am becoming the person I can become. I am different, and the same. I am that I am.