status quo
Lately I’ve been pretty irritable, and admittedly, on some days, I’ve been down right bitchy. I look at the things that have become normal, or the status quo for my life, and I’m unhappy about quite a bit of it. Yeah, there’s a rant coming, because I just need to get this off my chest.
I’m tired of not really having any friends I can just go hang with after work. I’m sick of being injured, and not going to jujitsu class because I’m too tired or I ate something wring and feel like crap by the time it gets there. I’m fed up with working on tedious projects at work, regardless of how important they are. I’m annoyed that I still have an ulcer and take medication every day to keep it ulcer under control. I’m tired of hearing the loudmouths that sit down from me bitching about something every goddamn day I go to work and that I can’t tell them to shut the fuck up without possibly losing my job.
I’m irritated that I still weigh almost 200 lbs, despite some efforts to take it off. That I still haven’t managed to convert to an all raw food diet, despite 2 years of attempting it. That I do things and eat things that aren’t always the healthiest for me, even though I know better. That normal in our society is food made from and with toxic chemicals and genetically modified organisms (GMO), all in the name of profit.
I’m tired of editing myself around certain people because I don’t want to offend them. I’m tired of a couple friends thinking everything I write is always about them and taking things the wrong way. I’m pissed at myself for being pissed in the first place. I know being pissed off isn’t going to change the situation. I know how to fix this stuff - most of it anyway. I know what I want.
I want friends I can go hang with after work, or call up on a weekend and do stuff with. I want to lose some weight - or at least change it to muscle and get rid of some fat. I want to be sociable outside a work environment. I want to go to class regularly. I want to get my black belt. I want to stop making excuses and just do stuff. I want to be healthy - not by society’s definition, but by mine. I want work that doesn’t make me watch the clock and wonder if I would have been better off calling in that day. I want to watch less tv, movies included. I want to write more. I want to meditate more, and be at peace. I want to truly be alive again.