the phagos blog

I’m pleased to say that I think the bout with the kidney stone is over and I’m back to normal, at least physically. As with most traumatic experiences, the mental effects are not so easily cast aside.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of illusory things surrounding me are gone, or seen through. Things I thought I wanted but don’t, the nature of certain things and relationships, a lot has been brought to light, and some things I had forgotten about have come back to me. In general, the ‘fall out’ has proven to be a good thing.

But it’s not all wine and roses. The last couple days I’ve found myself feeling restless, in a way I haven’t felt in a while. I’ve thought about just walking away from everything here, just picking up stakes and moving somewhere else, walk out of massage class, walk away from the black belt, walk away from the gardens project.  I went back to jujitsu class last night, but my heart wasn’t really in it.  I thought about just leaving in the middle of class, but I didn’t.  I sit and watch tv, though I find sitting around hard right now - it’s like I’m supposed to be somewhere doing something, but I don’t know where or what.

I don’t see myself moving, at least not in the near future.  I likely will continue to my black belt, though I’m inclined to think that may be in jeopardy now.  The massage class is anybody’s guess.  I’m taking not to use on others, but for my own knowledge and advancement.  And yet, I’m not doing the work I need to do, and I’m wondering now if the class is a complete waste of time and money.  There’s no easy answer, nor is it as simple as I’d like it to be.

I haven’t wanted to write much either, and I’m not sure what that’s about either.  I ma noticing a pattern though - everything I’m hesitating about, I’ve reached a point where the only way I can progress is to do the work - I can’t know my way through it, I have to do it.  Probably the best thing to do is to view this as a test of my persistence, to see if I’ve learned the lesson about sticking to something if I really want to see it come true.  In the past, I had a nasty habit of partially finishing something, only to abandon it for the next project that came along.

No, I can’t leave, I can’t give this up.  This year, and everything I’ve worked for until now, would go to waste, and I’d wind up in this situation again somewhere else.  You can only begin something new so many times before you realize you have to do some work, or you can’t go beyond a certain point with anything.  Maybe that’s my lesson in all this - to get where you want to go, you have to stick to it and work through the tough spots, like this, regardless of what happens.  Some people just seem to naturally rise where they want to go without effort, but most of us have to work pretty hard.  Maybe we’re doing it wrong, or maybe they’re working as hard as we are, and it doesn’t look like work to us because it doesn’t feel like work to them.

I think I just need to play more and lighten up.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 8:36 pm and is filed under life, change. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.