beltaine reflections
Beltaine has come and gone, and for the second consecutive year, instead of celebrating, I find myself dealing with the aftereffects of a break up with my girlfriend. For those of you who don’t know, Beltaine is a Wiccan/pagan holiday and often involves fertility rites and all that implies. Many Wiccans and pagans consider it one of their two big holidays of the year, but this year, like last, the day came and went almost unremembered, definitely not celebrated.
Probably the worst thing is, I’m in love with her. At the same time though, I realize on some level it’s not working. I don’t want to break up, but I don’t want to continue in a relationship structure that doesn’t give either of us what we need, so I feel very conflicted over the matter still. I told several of my friends we broke up, but the last email I received makes me wonder if we are broken up after all. With everything else going on, I’m not doing uncertainty well at the moment. I think all I can do is be patient and see how this works out.
I haven’t told my friends the why of it, and I think that’s something best kept private - I hesitated to even post about this here, because it’s still so recent and because in some ways, it’s nobody’s business, whether you know me or not. Still, it’s been on my mind and writing here allows me to get things out of my head and move on to other thoughts.
The astute among you would suggest that my thoughts were the ultimate cause of the break up, judging by this post, but most of these thoughts preceded the blog entry but after the break up happened, not the other way around. Regardless, you can’t undo what’s been done, and you can’t unsay what’s been said. In our current understanding, life can only be lived in one direction in time.
On a lighter note, tonight is the second Rhythm and Blooms event at the gardens - it should be interesting, considering the weather is calling for scattered thunderstorms starting this afternoon. I’ll be there, sore legs and all.