self honesty
I’ve realized a few things over the last week or two, things that have forever changed the way I look at myself. I once thought my calling in this life was to be a healer. I can finally admit to myself that I’m wrong, and that that’s not really what I want.
There are a few other admissions I’ve had to make to myself as well. I took seifukujitsu classes, a massage style that goes with my martial art, a couple years back, and I’m planning on continuing those classes again this year. I thought I wanted to do that for a living, possibly open a dojo sometime after I’ve gotten my black belt. But since I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I have to admit that while I like the idea of them, I don’t really want them. If I did I wouldn’t keep getting hurt or just skipping jujitsu class, and I certainly would be actually be doing massages rather than just thinking about it now that it’s getting closer to class starting.
Nope, what I really want is something else. I take martial arts because I like it, and maybe someday I will teach, but that’s not my motivation for taking it, and that’s why I’m not as ’serious’ about it as I probably should be. As for the massage class, what I’m interested in is trading massages and the opportunity for personal growth it will bring - I don’t really want to do it for a living. As such, I release myself from the idea that I was going to do that so that I can pursue other alternatives.
I know for myself, and I think a lot of other people experience this too, it’s difficult sometimes to be honest with ourselves. While beliefs are difficult to let go of, ideas can be also. The funny thing for me is, some of my most ‘cherished’ ideas are ones that require me to get involved with other people performing some sort of service for them, whether it’s doing massage or teaching them martial arts. I’m not a people person, really, and while I can socialize just fine, I need healthy chunks of time alone. At work this isn’t a problem, since it’s just me and the computer most of the day, but I can’t imagine feeling anti-social and then having to do a massage or teach a class - my nerves would be very much on edge.
I’m not really any closer to figuring out what I want to do after I give up computer work - if I ever do, which I’m thinking I likely will someday. I have a couple ideas that I want to explore, like my writing, possibly nature photograph - but who knows? right now I’m just going to take things as they come and not worry about stuff so much. There’s far too much going on to have time to worry anyway.
February 16th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
You have a gift for expressing that which is never expressed but only thought.