sadness
In which hidden things are found, the circle of life continues, and tragedy occurs.
Last night I went out to get supper, and drove past an animal in the road, which I assumed was dead. Dead animals in or near the road are not uncommon where I live, unfortunately. Curiousity got the better of me, and on the way home I stopped to see what kind of animal it was. It turned out to be a rabbit, probably not even a year old, and to my surprise the creature was still alive. I could imagine the fright it must be feeling, lying in the road, unable to move, while vehicles drive over you. So I went home, got my gloves, and drove a few houses up and moved the wounded rabbit off the road, into a yard. It had been hit in the back leg, doubtless it was going into shock and was unable to move its back legs. I doubted it would make it through the night, and though I knew it was suffering, I could not bring myself to end its suffering myself.
I came home and cried, feelings of helplessness and inadequacy overwhelming me. I know there was nothing I could do, yet this knowledge haunted me. Most of my life I’ve dealt with feeling inadequate, or helpless, or just thinking that if I had learned one more thing, or practiced something regularly, I would have been able to do something. A day late and a dollar short describes certain situations I’ve found myself in at various times.
My girlfriend thought it was because I was feeling inadequate or afraid of something, and I dismissed that thought summarily at first. But this morning I decided to look up rabbit in my medicine card deck. Rabbit, as it turns out, represents fear and how we deal with it. It just fell into place then, like puzzle pieces going together. The injured rabbit at night, visible only in the shadow of my headlights - I was looking at a fear from my shadow side, an older unspoken fear I thought was gone, and yet there it was, back again.
Although my martial art teaches us how to move past fear, I find that this tends to take place on a conscious level first, before it works its way into the subconscious and lower levels of the mind. I went to the gardens this morning, which usually restores my sense of perspective, and it did. I do have some fear I’m dealin gwith that I wasn’t really aware of, but now it’s been brought to the surface and I can’t ignore it, so I have to deal with it and get over it. Sometimes it’s a slow process.
On my way to the gardens, I slowed down to see if it was still there. It had moved some, poor creature, before expiring close to where I moved it. Things like this happen every day, and yet that thought does not disturb me as this personal incident did. I have wondered at the toll our transportation takes on the environment and the creatures that live within it. Someday I won’t need to drive to work, and that will be one less potential danger to wildlife on the road. Until then, I’ll just have to keep being careful.