still breathing
I’ll tell you right up front - this is going to be a long post, because we’re going on a trip of sorts, to connect the dots to make my point. It all starts with a movie released in 1998, called still breathing.
The content of the movie itself is not germaine to the discussion. What is important is that every time it comes on, I inevitably change the channel to watch it. So, I was re-thinking my favorite movie list, from movies that I say I like, to ones that I always watch when they come on, regardless of how many times I’ve seen them. The list of movies I always stop to watch isn’t quite the same as my top 10 list, but maybe it should be.
Somehow I made the connection between movies that I always stop to watch, and the things I’m passionate about. The link is this: I choose the things I like, but I don’t choose the things I love, the things I’m passionate about. They choose me. I think that’s true for most people.
With that as background, I went to Riverbanks Gardens today, with overcast skies, a chilly breeze, and frankly, it was pretty chilly, with temps in the upper 40’s. It was also one of the most beautiful days of the year there. I pulled in around 9:15 or so, my car was the first in the parking lot. On my way across the treetop bridge before the gardens proper begin, I saw a hawk, which I startled out of a tree and flew off before I could get my camera out and snap a picture. I’ve not seen one in that area before, probably because any that might have been there had already been scared off by earlier arriving visitors.
I can’t believe how many plants are still blooming this late in the fall under these conditions. The camellias are out, some abutilons are still blooming, the forest has changed from its normal greens into a riotous mixture of yellows, dappled with greens and reds, the ground covered in varying shades of yellow, beige, tan, and brown, leaves strewn across the path and fluttering in the wind. When I copied my pictures off to my hard drive, I discovered I’d taken 52 of them, far more than I thought. Not to brag, but some of them are exquisite. I had no idea what it was like this late. Roses still blooming, moss blowing in the wind - color everywhere!
In the middle of my pictorial adventure, it came to me - this is my passion. Not computers, not writing, not photography, not even martial arts - my passion is plants. I didn’t choose it - it chose me. That would go a long way towards explaining my affinity for being in forested areas, among the plants. It’s my passion. I remember when I wanted to be a landscape architect - where would my life have gone if I had been more determined to make that happen?
I was sad for a moment, thinking of how different my life would have been, but only for a moment. I am in a great position to do something with my passion now, something I might not have been open to 15 years ago. I have developed as a writer, I’m developing an artist’s eye, and I’m in a place where I can put everything together to possibly take me where I want to go.
Also, after I realized what’s probably obvious to anyone who knows me, I saw a pair of hawks flying in the sky… I can’t explain it, but it felt like confirmation of what I’d realized. When I realized that, I felt like some kind of weight had been lifted from me, and I’ve been more relaxed today than I have in a while. Tired legs from all the walking, but that’s ok, it felt good.
Want to find your passion? Don’t read some book about it, unless reading is your passion, rather think about what brings you that peaceful feeling, what you keep returning to time and again, despite anything else going on in your life. Chances are, that’s your passion.