chrysalis
I mentioned about two or three weeks back that I got a new job, I started two weeks ago tomorrow. I spent the first week being not too happy, and last week, while it was better, still wasn’t what I would call stellar. In fact, I would say overall, the last couple of years haven’t really been that great, although things have been getting a lot better. Yesterday I was thinking about things, work and otherwise, and reminded myself of something I think is very important: I’m supposed to be where I’m at.
For the last couple years, I’ve had emotional ups and downs, and the last couple or three weeks, even more so. I go from feeling good to depression to just wanting to cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I think I’ve finally figured out why though: I’m detoxing. Not so much on a physical level, although I’m sure that is coming, but on an emotional and mental level. I’m finding that I’m processing stuff out and letting it go, and while it sucks going through it, I’m glad to know what’s going on so I can at least hold on and remind myself that it’ll be better on the other side.
For a little while before and for some time after my ex’s departure, I used chrysalis as my magickal name, because I felt like I was a chrysalis, in a cocoon of sorts waiting for something to happen. And now it has. I’ve come full circle, so to speak, starting over in a new job at a different place, at a time that indicated to me the universe really wanted me to take it. I am a chrysalis no longer. I have come out of my cocoon and spread my wings. Much like a butterfly when it comes out and spreads its wings for the first time to let them dry and get blood into them so they’ll work, I too am spreading my wings out for the first time in a long time.
Also for the first time in a long time, I’m learning how to be happy again. It’s been so long I thought I’d forgotten how, but apparently I haven’t. Since the revelation at the garden that I need to be gentle with myself, I’ve been doing my best to do that. It hasn’t always been easy, because I see what my habits have been so far. But I also recognize that some of these habits need to go, and the only way to do that is to look at the big picture and see where they fit. In some cases, I see that they handle a short term need, but in the long run they’re not good for me. So I’m shifting my perspective to look at the bigger picture and focusing on that and trying to act within that parameter, and I’m finding as I do it that I may feel like crap in the short term, but it’s helping me release things I need to release.
I think butterflies, when they first come out of their cocoons, don’t really know what they are yet. I feel the same way. But I’m learning.