integrity
I haven’t been able to get this post out of my head for about 2 days now, I need to get this down before it drives me out of my head. I’ve been thinking about the subject of integrity lately, specifically my integrity - or lack thereof.
No, this is not some self-indulgnet pity party for myself, or some other way to beat myself, just some observations I’ve made about myself and life in general. Last night I didn’t go to my martial arts class. I got off work a little early, came home, then when it came time to go to class, I just didn’t go because I didn’t feel like it. Heck, after I get home I pretty much feel that way about leaving for anything, I like being home.
But it did get me thinking even harder. When I left Wednesday evening, I said I’d be in class on friday, but I didn’t go. To me, integrity is about what I do matching what comes out of my mouth. But I’ve figured out the last couple of days that there’s external integrity, which is what other people see, and internal integrity, which only I know about. I told myself Wednesday I’d be going to class on Friday, but I didn’t. Not only did that make a hypocrit to everyone I told that to, it made me a hypocrit to myself. I have to be willing to do what I tell myself I’m going to, align my actions with internal words.
Integrity, like any other characteristic we display, starts inside. For a period of time I allowed my integrity to vanish to avoid rockling the boat with the woman I was with, and I paid for it. I think in some ways, I still am. That’s karma for you. I’m not with her any more, and I’ve gotten some, but not all, of my integrity back. But it’s not enough.
Last week after doing some things I said things would be completely different, and in some respects they have. In others, I think I’m still in the process of realizing what it’s going to take to make them different, and this is one of those things. Honestly, I almost feel as if I’ve bottomed out in a way, but you have to see a mess before you can clean it up. It’s time to focus on one or two things and let the rest go, stop being so hard on myself that I can’t do everything right now, and start doing what I say I’m going to, whether I’ve said it to someone else or myself.
Integrity requires focus, and focus aids integrity. I think I’m about to get a lot more focused.