illusions
Well, it’s been a busy past few days. Between the car accident, studying, and doing stuff around the house, I’ve had a lot to do.
The car accident just irritated me. Nothing serious, got rear ended while I was stopped at an intersection. No one was hurt, the car got a little dinged up, but nothing serious. Just enough to annoy the piss out of me and make me later to work than I’d planned on.
That’s really been the theme of the last few days though: enough to annoy me, but not cause any real problems. Add them all together and it’s aggravating. It’s been an enlightening experience too, although I would have chosen a different form of experience if I could have.
I had decided that this weekend I was going to hermit myself in the house for the most part, and just relax, get some studying done, and just generally recharge my batteries. Yesterday afternoon and evening were pretty uncomfortable though. I kept looking around, seeing how I want some things to be different, and being pretty unhappy about it. So I tried my usual escapes of tv, reading, and video games, none of which worked. I also eat when I’m stressed, but I’m doing a fast yesterday and today, so eating was out also.
That ended up being a good thing though. By having to stay with my frustration and unhappiness, I started to face what was underneath it all, I started to see the situation as it really is, rather than the judgment I’ve been unconsciously putting on it all this time. Small example: I was playing one of my Mortal Kombat games on PS2, and not doing very well, and getting upset about it, thinking I sucked at it. Well, honestly, Im not very good, but it’s not because I suck, rather I don’t play very often. When I let go of the value judgment, I was able to see the real cause without being judgmental. I’m applying that approach to other things I’m ‘unhappy’ about too. Those situations aren’t the result of how I feel or what I think about myself, they’re the result of specific actions I took, or failed to take over time. Now that I am able to see that better, I can start to take the actions I want to take to get where I want to go and be.
I know I’m not going to get there overnight, or next week, or possibly even next year, but get there I will. And I’ll do it by doing specific things to bring about specific results. How I feel about myself or the situation doesn’t really enter into it, other than to provide feedback about the correctness of what I’m doing. I’ve learned a valuable lesson this weekend if nothing else. I’m going to try and enjoy the rest of it.