detachment
Wow, it doesn’t seem like it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted, but I guess it has.
Lots of things have happened the last couple weeks. I won’t go into all of it, but I will talk about a few things. Last week was my age became the same as the answer to life, the universe and everything, and for those who aren’t familiar with Douglas Adams, that’s 42. Interestingly enough, only my family, gitrlfriend, and a couple close friends remembered. It’s not that big a deal anyway, I’m just trying to get some last little things taken care of, but they aren’t going away that easily.
Tomorrow is Ostara, the first day of Spring. You know what my feeling on that is this year: so what? It’s just another day. There won’t be a ritual done, heck, I didn’t even write one. And I’m really ok with that.
There’s just a lot of things in flux right now. I’m honestly not very happy at work right now, again, and I know it’s my own fault. Well, sort of. My new team lead, the one I couldn’t wait to go back to work for, has started making some bad decisions, decisions I would have expected my last manager to make without hesitation. I’m trying to release all the negative feelings I have around that, and I’ve come to the conclusion that if I really want to get away from this company and the way this department is run, it’s time to expand my skillset and get out of dodge. I’ve wanted to do Linux programming for a while anyway, so this seems as good a time as any to actually learn how to program in it and “get out while the gettin’s good”, as the saying goes.
It can be argued that my problems and feelings are there because I put them there, and that would be correct. The problems get much worse and I worry more when I focus on them. When I don’t, they don’t seem so big and I worry less. I’m happier, or at least calmer, and less stressed.
Why aren’t I like that all the time? Well, I wish I were. I don’t always have the clarity of thought that I do at the moment. Today I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and practicing not assigning a value to things and events, and it helps me a lot. It makes me think too much though, so I need to practice just conentrating on the activity at hand when I do that.
So why did I call this detachment? Because when I stop worrying about what could happen if this or that happens and act in the present moment, I’m not attached to the outcome any longer. Don’t get me wrong, there may be a desired outcome - but by allowing things to happen as they need to and not focusing on anything besides what’s at hand, there is no attachment to the outcome, I can allow it to be what it is, and if it’s not what I want, then I can just learn the lesson, change what I’m doing, and move on, without getting stuck on what happened.
Anyway, gotta go, need to do some food prep for the rest of the week.