adaptation
I’ve not really kept it a secret, but I’ve been spending a lot of time with my girlfriend lately.
However, thanks to a really big foot in the mouth stupid moment, it looks like we’ll be spending some time apart. I don’t know how long it will last, but I hope it’s not long. I miss hearing her voice and her gnetle touch. But that’s not what this post is really about. I haven’t been in jujitsu class much lately, or doing a couple other things I do regularly, like this blog. Partly because I was sick last weekend, partly because of long amounts of time at work, and partly because of her.
But I was getting used to being with her a lot, and getting the hang of being with another person and figuring out how to fit everything together, so being together became a normal situation for me, I adapted, quite happily. Now I find myself back to what normal was before I met her: by myself, with the animals. i went to class tonight, but I’d planned on going to class tonight anyway. It’s actually strange to me to be by myself for an extended period of time again.
I struggled through work today, trying to stave off a depressed feeling, and mostly failing. I spent a lot of the afternoon wishing I wasn’t at work and feeling pretty conflicted. My heart tells me I miss her terribly; my head tells me that it won’t be long until we’re seeing each other again, but it doesn’t make me feel any better now, at least not yet. There’s a third force at play here too: another part of me that says it’s ok to miss her, but not to be sad. It’s the part of me that remembers what I profess to live by, the Esoteric Principles of Judo. I’m not upholding those things I profess to value when I allow the depression to take over.
I felt a lot better after class tonight, more grounded, more stablized. I still miss her, but I’m not depressed anymore. The night sky was beautiful tonight, and I stopped and got Chinese food on the way home. As I sometimes do when I’ve had an unusually difficult day, I put Ghost Dog into the DVD player and started watching it again. I won’t give up who I am to be with someone, but I do expect some temporary schedule disruptions along the way, like not always making it to class. I think I will always go back to the mat, regardless of what happens in the rest of my life: it centers me, it relaxes me, it’s part of who I am.
I ‘fell’ over the weekend, but I’m picking myself up, dusting myself off, and going on with life, knowing she’ll call and we’ll see each other soon. And when she does, I’ll be ready.