overcoming fear
It’s been a rough couple of days the last two days or so. I just changed job responsibilities to do more coding, which is what I want, but since I started, there’s been one predominant question in my mind that won’t go away: am I good enough to make it?
The trite answer is, of course I’m good enough. And truthfully, being as objective as I can talking about myself, I am good enough, smart enough, whatever. For some reason though, the knowledge that I am good enough doesn’t alleviate the fear I’m experiencing. I don’t know how to explain it. I know I can do the work, but there’s some part of me that just wants to run away and never go back again because I’m scared. Scared that someone is going to figure out that I’m a fake, that I’m not the great programmer they think I am. The flip side of that is, there’s no one to tell me how good or bad I really am. Programming, like most art forms, is open to interpretation, and one person’s art is another’s garbage.
The idea that programming can only be done right one way is a conceptual myth, one that many programmers buy into at some point. There’s no Central Programming Authority somewhere reviewing everyone’s code, handing down judgement on who’s code is good and who’s code sucks. I have acquired a couple of books over the years that talk about the subject of programming in general, and how to be an effective coder, and how to write good code. The one consolation I have in all this is, these books indicate that a lot of the programming habits I have are considered good practice, and the ones I don’t are usually because I haven’t thought of them yet. So an ‘unbiased’ opinion of myself might reveal that I’m much better than I’m giving myself credit for, but it doesn’t quell the uneasiness I feel inside.
I think part of it may be the political infighting behind the scenes over my services that I’m no longer privy to, and I don’t want to let my supervisor down, because honestly, right now I feel pretty inadequate. I have noticed a pattern in myself to have these kinds of experiences when i’m doing something new. I remember my first few months at the dojo I attend now, I remember being so frustrated with certain things I went home crying and almost nevre went back. But I stuck with it, and now I have a brown belt to show for it, with higher levels of browns leading towards black coming my way. It’s hard to believe I found it so hard at one time, but I did. I’ll probably look back at this time down the road, and wonder how I could have thought it was so hard. until then, I’ll just have to keep breathing in and out and reminding myself that if they didn’t think I could do the job, they wouldn’t have asked for me and put me where I am now. Isn’t hindsight great?