disappointment
With only one class remaining for the year, it doesn’t look like I’ll start 2007 with a brown belt. That realization disappointed me a lot last night.
In looking at my technique, I don’t deserve it yet, and I think that fed into a lot of the disappointment. Even worse, there’s a part of my mind that wants to hold on to that disappointment and not let it go. I find that disturbing for many reasons. The more I pay attention to what I’m what I’m feeling and why, the more I find my mind littered with unwanted things, and it wants to cling to them instead of letting them go. It’s ok to feel disappointment, or whatever feeling I may be having, but I also know that it isn’t good to hold onto disappointment. And yet, some part of me was.
I have been slack about meditating in the morning lately as I usually do, in fact, I haven’t done it in at least a couple of months, I think. When I can’t remember when the last time I did it was, it’s been way too long. I’ve found meditation is a very good way to get the mind to let go of everyday things, and to start dealing with underlying issues. It’s time to start meditating again.
As for the brown belt - I’ll get it when I’m ready for it. It’s just not my time yet. There’s no rush, no pressure, other than what I put on myself. I choose to take take it easy on myself whenever I can.