an old lesson revisited
I’ve been doing a lot of growing and changing in the last year and a half, in a lot of ways. I’ve noticed that bad days don’t have the ability to stick around like they used to.
I’m going to meander a bit with this line of thought, because I haven’t gotten it put together neatly like I do some subjects. Thursday was a bad day. Not as bad as some, but definitely worse than others. It didn’t really start until I got to work and discovered I’d left my work badge at home, but it didn’t get better until after I left work. Just this and that, and well, there’s no reason to go into specifics. i decided I wasn’t going to let the whole day go bad just because I forgot my badge, but it went south anyway, although not as bad as it could have, or would have a few months ago.
That changed at the dojo that night. I met one of the nidans at the dojo around 6 for an off night workout. I’ve had experiences in the past where going to class on a day that’s gone south winds up bad - last time I did I stretched a thumb ligament, and it’s almost 100%, but not quite. Anyway, I decided not to let my bad day stop me from going, and I’m glad I didn’t. The workout went pretty well in general, and I got to work some things I don’t always get to work in class. So my bad day stopped being bad. Friday had the potential to go bad as well, and was going that direction, and again, it didn’t go as bad as it could have, and it stopped being bad when I got on the mat.
So for the old lesson: there were only two of us at class last night, friday, and sensei was critiquing one of the students on his falls. Sensei said he was afraid while he ws doing one of his falls, that he was thinking too much, to which the student replied, he wasn’t afraid and he wasn’t thinking about it. Sensei correctly pointed out that he was indeed, even if he wasn’t aware of it. I can relate, because I remember being told the same thing when I was a lower rank at the school, and I made the same protest.
The point applies to more than just our martial art. Our minds are full of thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that we aren’t consciously aware of having. I know for a long time that I held a lot of negative thoughts in my mind that I wasn’t aware of. Sometimes I’m aware now that I’m having negative thoughts or negative feelings, more so that I have in the past. I attribute that to the fact that I’m putting more positive thoughts in place and it’s driving the negative ones out. As I become aware of the thoughts I’m having, I’m also becoming aware that I am changing them, and it’s starting to manifest outwardly, like not having completely crap days any more. I’m realizing they were complete crap because I let them be that way, or made them that way, and I can choose not to do that, choose a different way.
It’s interesting to see of how I’m changing for the better in ways that I wasn’t even aware of months ago, and I think I like it. It’s a slow change, a gradual change, and yet, I wish it were faster. Oh well, things go as fast as they need to go and no faster. My personal observation about nature is that things that happen quickly are destructive, while those that happen slowly are constructive. So, it may take a while to complete the transformation, but that’s ok. I’ll get there and be better because of it.
Our worlds truly are built as we think them.