a penchant for chaos
Let’s get a little housekeeping out of the way first. I forgot to weigh myself yesterday, so i did it this morning. wearing nothing, I came in at 193.5, so wearing clothes would have been 196′ish, meaning another 3 pounds lost last week. I have noticed that my clothes seem to be fitting looser lately, at least my pants have, and now I know why. But that’s not my main topic, so I’ll get on with it.
I was thinking about a lot of things today at work, a lot of it unpleasant. I’ve noticed it has that effect on me unless I guard my thoughts very carefully, which I’ve had trouble with lately. What really pushed me over the edge was a phone call from a friend, letting me know that someone I know passed away today. I wasn’t really close to this guy, we knew each other’s names and talked now and then, but that was about it. I can’t say he was particularly young, but he wasn’t an old man either - older than I, I know that for sure. I asked my friend if she wanted to hang out for a bit tonight, she was closer to him than I was, but she has her own family matters to deal with and so declined.
I have in the past at times examined the chaos in my friends’ lives, those at work and those I know otherwise, but lately I’ve been turning that insight inward into my own life and not liking what I find. I have my own form of chaos in my life, and I think most peolpe do. Mine relates to money at the moment, although I see other things in my life that need to be dealt with to avoid attracting other kinds in,
I’m not a rich guy, but I’m not poor by any stretch. I earn more than the average american family, and yet, I find myself having financial difficulties. The hardest thing about the situation is that I know it’s my fault. I may not have spent the money myself in some cases, but the fact remains that I allowed it to happen, and now I’m responsible for the consequences of those actions, or failures to act. I can’t duck it or hide from it anymore. I wanted to believe something so much I allowed it to affect my judgment and turned a blind eye to things until it was too late. I didn’t get in the situation I’m in overnight, and I’m not going to get out of it overnight either.
The point being - we are all addicted to chaos in our lives. For some, it’s in their marriages or friendships. For others, it’s part of their family structure, or the work they do, their relationship to food, technology, clothes, or in my case, money. I’m tired of chaos. It’s time to shoulder that responsibility, solve the problems, and not let it happen again. Chaos sucks.
But you know, sometimes it’s necessary. Chaos is often the harbinger of change in our lives. I’m in the process of detoxing a lot of my life, including my body, spirit, emotions, and belief system. Last week I went through some symptoms of detox. That was a form of chaos to the body - it flattened me for a day while it processed a lot of that junk. I think I’m experiencing much the same effect with my spirit, emotions and beliefs: change and detox introduces chaos until the old patterns are removed or broken and new ones put in place, ones that will serve me better going forward.
My question to you is: is your penchant for chaos helping you grow, or is your chaos keeping you stuck in a comfortable rut? I’ve chosen to use mine to help me grow, how will you use yours?