post Samhain update
Two days after Samhain, only 3 days since my last post, and so much has happened I don’t know where to begin.
I guess I’ll start with a weigh-in update. On Samhain I came in at 198 and some change, I don’t remember exactly. Yesterday I weighed in at 202.8, and this morning at 199.8. But I discovered something about my scale yesterday I didn’t know - I think the first weigh of the say is inaccurate. After having thought I gained 3 pounds in the space of a day due to my Samhain spirit supper, I weighed myself a few minutes later. Without having done anything to gain or lose weight, the scale came down from 202 to 200.2, then again from 200.2 to 200 even. There’s something fishy there, and I’m wondering if I dare trust the scale’s measurement any more.
Samhain was a very intense ritual tuesday, and people got to see what my late wife looked like for the first time since I moved to SC. The meditation after we talked about loved ones that had passed on was very intense, and we immediately closed circle afterwards instead of the cakes and ale.
I went to martial arts class after work last night, which was god, and before I left last night, I got a look at the preliminary class schedule for the upcoming martial arts clinic next week. On the schedule for Friday, there was one word by Kahuna Mark Saito’s name for the last class of the evening in the healing area: Ho’oponopono. I can’t wait.
I took the day off from work Tuesday in preparation for Samhain, so I could do some final cleanup around the house and run some errands. One of those errands was to a local metaphysical store to get a tarot reading. I won’t tell you everything from the reading, but I will tell you some of it. The biggest thing to come out of it was that I need to heal some old wounds, that there are things in my past that have not been dealt with that need to be in order for me to move on with my life. And while she may or may not have known what those things are (I suspect she did), I certainly do, although I don’t really care to share exactly what those things are at the moment. Suffice it to say that I need to go through the healing process.
One of the things I will be dealing with is the loss of my late wife. This March will make 6 years that she’s been gone, and yet, I remarried so soon after her death I don’t think I completed the grieving process. I thought I had, but now I’m not sure of that at all. One of the people at the Samhain ritual said I need to call on her more often, that she would come through and be there for me, and I believe that. My biggest concern, no, my biggest fear with that is that I’ll use it as an excuse to cling to her memory and not let go, that I’ll stop all the wonderful things from coming my way, that I would stop another woman coming my way because I’m clinging to one who’s gone. And yet, I know that this very fear is causing me to do exactly what I don’t want to do, so maybe the way to counteract it is to do it anyway and see what happens. One of the things my martial art is about is letting go of fear; looks like it’s time to do that in my life as well.
Samhain is always an emotional time for me, and the holiday along with the approaching winter causes me to become more intense in my introspection. I want to heal myself, become whole and healthy again, and yet I have been counseled to patience. I know the healing process takes time, and I am thinking that I finally have the necessary tools to complete the healing process and move on with my life. One of the boks I’m currently reading is Barbara Brennan’s Light Emerging: the Journey of Personal Healing. I haven’t gotten very far into it, but I did look ahead at material to come, I think it’s just what I need, along with a healthy dose of action, to get me back to being myself.
I hadn’t really intended to go on about this, or even to write this much, but it seems that part of my healing process is to reach out and share it with others, however scary that may feel right now.