the phagos blog

Tomorrow morning I’m going to do something I haven’t done in a very long time.  I’m going to get up a little early, and I’m going to do ritual before I go to work.  Over the last few days, I’ve realized that fear has been keeping me from taking the next step into the unknown.  Last year, when I was taking the second module at the dojo for restoration therapy, we were given exercises to do to develop our internal abilities.  Chi strengtheners, things along that line.  For reasons that have only become clear to me to this week, I never did them.

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In the not too distant past, I’ve talked about why my life changed.  The first couple weeks after were really intense, discovering all the differences.  Now that some time has passed, things are settling down some.  I’m settling down some.  And I’m noticing some things that I didn’t notice before, may not have noticed before.  When I get on the mat at the dojo, everything else in the world goes away, or stops.  Nothing occupies my thoughts during that time except for what is right in front of me on the mat.  When class is over and I leave the dojo, I feel completely different - refreshed, centered - as if I’ve reoriented my world differently and I’m no longer worrying about this or thinking about that - I’m still centered in the moment.

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For those of you who haven’t heard, I got my motorcycle fixed recently. Yay!  I’m very happy about it.  For those of you who haven’t experienced it, riding a motorcycle can be one of the greatest feelings in the world.  In a car, you watch the outside world go by like so much scenery.  On a motorcycle, it’s not scenery - you’re part of it, it’s part of you.  There’s no tv like window to watch it all go by.  It’s been so long, though, it’s almost like doing it for the first time again.  With that in mind, I wanted to share my impression of what it’s like.

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Change is in the air.  Okay, it’s always in the air - it’s inevitable. I’m still discovering changes from the events of a month and a half ago.  The one I want to talk about tonight is the sudden urge to complete things.  For those of you who know me well, this will come as some surprise, since I’m not exactly noted for finishing what I start.  That’s changing for the better now.

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A lot of my friends lately seem to be going through hard times - deaths in the family, unhappy marriages, crappy jobs, medical issues - it seems to be swirling around me.  I too, have seen my fair share of dilemmas of late, though perhaps less severe than my friends are experiencing.  In the past, my response to my friends’ hardships has been one of empathizing - focusing on the issue to try to bring some relief.  What I am finally realizing though, is that by focusing on those things, I am only fixing them in place for my friends and indirectly bringing them into my own life as well.

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Over the last six to twelve months, my thinking and way of looking at things has been changing.  Most of my life has been spent doing things a certain way, one that I’ve found doesn’t work for me any more.  Well, not as well as I’d like.  You see, when I’d first learn about something, or start doing something, I’d jump in head first, immerse myself, and learn or do everything I could.  Then when I hit a certain point, I’d abandon the methodical approach and rely more on my intuitive sense.  The end result was I’d wind up jumping around here and there, never finishing anything, just making a big unfinished mess before I’d abandon it altogether.  My work was a bit like that too, and it was sloppier than it should have been.  But that’s been changing.

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Since the experience I wrote about in my last post, I’ve done a number of things that I wouldn’t have done before that.  The last couple days, that’s been on my mind a lot.  I tend to think deeply when I’m tired, and that’s not really a good thing for me, since my thoughts go places that aren’t good for me when I’m tired.  At jujitsu class tonight, I got some much needed perspective.

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Usually I try to think of some clever one or two word title that sort of sums up what the post is about.  I decided to change that this time.  Some of my friends are going to read this, people I see everyday at work, and maybe my daughter.  Instead of couching things behind vague terms, I want this explanation understood as clearly as possible.  Ten days ago, April 22nd, 2009,  I experienced an event that has forever altered me and the way I see the world.

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The last 3 to 4 weeks have been quite busy for me, between work, jujitsu class, and working on the garden. Last weekend I was moving several yards of dirt around, into the garden and various parts of the yard. Yard work is very relaxing for me. I quit thinking about things, at least intentionally, and just let my subconscious work out whatever it’s mulling over. This time, while I was working, the meaning of life revealed itself to me.

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Despite my predilection for sometimes putting my innermost thoughts on the web for public consumption, I am, at heart, an intensely private person. I continue to resist having a Facebook account, and I can only be located on MySpace by chance, unless I tell you how to find me. You won’t find me on LinkedIn, or Twitter, or other social networking sites because I’m not there.  Googling my name actually finds two other people by the same name - one is a golfer in the New England area, and the other is a Londoner, who also happens to work in the IT field - neither of which are me, or related to me. Now that I’ve gotten that semi-relevant bit out of the way, let’s get on with it.

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